


I Didn't Mean To

by liaf_sdrow



Series: Evan Hansen Wasn't/Isn't Alone [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-26
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-02-04 20:24:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18611869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liaf_sdrow/pseuds/liaf_sdrow
Summary: Jared and Zoe express their feelings about Evan and Connor being together. Jared wonders why Evan picked Connor over him and Zoe doesn't understand why Connor gets all of the good things.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading again, y'all. well, this is the beginning again, right? i dont like it. cbdshfgdsuf okay anyway hmu on tumblr: art-writing-and-gay-musicals
> 
> thanks!

Jared is a big bitch, and he knows it. He doesn’t want to be. He wants to stop, he wants to leave Evan and Connor alone and accept that somehow, Connor is better than he is.  
But Jared fucking can’t. He can’t just… let Connor take Evan. Jared did have Evan first, did he not? Is it better to find someone great before someone else and treat them… not so well, or is it better to find this person second and treat them well? First place is gold and second place is silver.

What would the world be like if everyone fought for second place, not first? If everyone wanted to be the CFO instead of the CEO? If the vice president got to make all the important decisions?

It’s not Jared’s fault that he, the president (metaphorically speaking), was less hot, less funny, less freckled, and more of a jackass to Evan than the vice president was, was it?  
Gah. Yes, it was.

All week Jared had watched Evan smile shyly, lovingly, at Connor, in a way that Jared had always wished Evan looked at him. Needless to say, Evan never had. Then again, Jared had never done anything noteworthy enough for Evan to smile at him. Jared had watched Evan give so many smiles to Connor over the past month, no, three fucking weeks. Was it impossible for Evan to spare one, just one, for Jared?

Probably.

Jared was thinking all of these things as he watched Connor and Evan walk hand in hand into the auditorium for the first day of play practice.

Jared did not want to be a bitch to Connor or to Evan or to anyone. He didn’t want to walk in there and say he wanted to join stage crew and ruin their relationship. Truly, he didn’t want to wreck their relationship. But, he thought, it wouldn’t make Jared feel really bad if that did happen.

Jared liked to think about his joining the play as something to put on his college application. It was good for tech schools to know that Jared knew how to handle a board full of switches. And, it was also a chance for Evan to see that maybe Jared wasn't so bad, maybe even better than Connor.

And if Evan still chose Connor after everything, it would be no biggie. There are probably more cute, short boys out there with anxiety disorders to love.

Well, that’s what Jared would be telling himself as he cried himself to sleep.

Jared regretted every step he took towards the auditorium, as every foot landing on the ground was one step closer to wrecking his friend’s (family friend, family friend, family friend) relationship. Jared, do you realize that this is basically Evan’s first non-toxic relationship? Jared asks himself. He knows that yes, Connor treats Evan better than Jared ever will, but really, what does that even mean? Evan could still like Jared, hypothetically.

When Jared finally walked into the huge room filled with a couple of dozen people, he spotted Connor and Evan sitting next to each other in the third row of seats, and he definitely saw everyone else giving them a wide berth and a lot of weird looks. If Evan was with Jared, no one would do that. Well, not the entire student body. Maybe a few homophobes. But Jared doesn’t have a reputation.

A girl on stage is belting out “I Love Play Rehearsal” from Be More Chill. Jared can recognize that. He’s not a huge musical theater fan, but he knows some things. He may have checked Be More Chill out because of Evan. May have.

Jared does not love play rehearsal, not this one. He wants to turn around and walk right back out, but he’s already in here, isn’t he? And he has a purpose, to show Evan that Jared is the one for him, not the school shooter, not Connor. And if Evan can’t see that, then fuck him. Fuck him, fuck him. Jared fucking Evan? FUCK.

Jared is soon at the feet of a young woman who must be in charge of this production. She looks about twenty-five or so, and it’s probably her first year here, or anywhere, as a teacher, because she looks actually kind of excited for this. Jared is pretty sure he hasn’t seen a teacher look happy in years.

“Uhm.” Jared tries to get this teacher’s attention. She looks up. “I was wondering if I could help for stage crew?”

This new teacher just looks downright delighted to see someone interested. “That sounds wonderful!” She sticks out her hand. “My name is Ms. Molloy.”

Jared takes her hand and shakes it. “Jared Kleinman.”

Ms. Molloy writes something down on her clipboard, which, of course, is a cool flowery-print colorful thing instead of some wood. “Oh, Jewish?” She looks up and Jared nods. “Me too! Although you can’t tell by my last name, haha.” Then she turns serious. “Okay, so, I’ve had a few other people say they want to help out. Since this show doesn’t call for many set items, we won’t spend much time on that, and it’s not that hard to nail a few things together. We’ll need some people backstage with the props and some stage managers during the show, and then we’ll need some people up in the booth doing sound effects and such. Do you have a preference?”

Obviously, Jared says he likes doing tech, and Ms. Molloy directs him to an older female teacher who is named Mrs. Smith. Apparently, she’s been with this school’s drama for years upon years and knows her stuff. Then Ms. Molloy claps her hands and everyone paying attention. The girl singing onstage hops off and sits in another girl’s lap, who starts hugging her.

Okay. PDA. Soon that will be Evan and Jared. Hopefully. Probably not. Gah…

“Okay, y’all, listen up!” Everyone pays attention, and Ms. Molloy barely has to yell. “My name is Ms. Molloy and I’m in charge of Our Town. I’m also an English teacher, and I recognize a few of you.” She looks at some freshman and sophomores and not Jared. “If we could get all the actors on the stage so we can get to know each other and start reading through the script, and if we could get all the people who want to help out backstage with Mrs. Smith, that would be great!” Everyone starts to get up and move to where they’re supposed to be. Jared is already with Mrs. Smith, so he watches everyone else. He watches Evan and Connor get up, he watches them kiss, and he watches the look of Evan’s face when Evan realizes that Jared is here. Ms. Molloy is handing out scripts onstage.

“Jared…?” Evan says. “What… what are you doing here?” He looks very skeptical. A crowd of people has gathered around Mrs. Smith, who is checking something on her phone, which is an up-to-date iPhone.

Mrs. Smith is not some old fat teacher. She’s in her fifties, probably, but she’s looking very stylish, with her hair, which is wavy and doesn’t have a strand of grey in it, up in a ponytail, showing off her long face and her ears, which are pierced in many places.

“Come with me.” She says, walking off in the opposite direction of the stage, with her phone still in her face and a following of about ten people behind her, Evan and Jared included. Some kids whisper to each other in anticipation, but Evan has nothing to say as they clamber up the stairs from the seats that are higher up and are lead to the booth room, with all the tech stuff.

Mrs. Smith finally pockets her phone in her jeans. “This is the booth. About three or four of you are going to be up here with the lights and the sound and the mics and such. I heard we already have a volunteer” -she looks at Jared- “so we’ll need two-ish more people.”

Two other kids step forward, a girl with long hair falling over her face, probably a sophomore, definitely emo, and a boy with a man-bun and a Star Wars t-shirt.

Mrs. Smith says she’ll train them later and then they walk back to the stage and sorts out who wants to be one of the two stage managers, and who is okay with being backstage. Jared doesn’t really pay attention, except for when Evan offers to be a stage manager. Is this really Evan? Wow.

In the end, there is Evan and another bulky junior boy as the stage managers, and the other four kids, one boy and three girls, all freshies, are left for backstage. They all start swooning over the junior guy, who is, apparently, named Chad and “wants to put something else on his college applications.” Jared can’t not roll his eyes at that. Even the freshie guy watches him from afar. Apparently, he’s gay.

Jared looks at Evan, who has eyes only for Connor, who is listening to people read from a script but is mostly returning Evan’s stares.

Was this actually such a great idea?


	2. Zoe Just Wonders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoe is just angry about Connor's luck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay hi guys, hope you like this chapter. if you do, please comment and let me know, and if you dont, tell me what i should improve on. if you'd like to follow my tumblr, im art-writing-and-gay-musicals. its kind of a lesbian blog but its kinda funny in my way and its open to everyone! thanks for reading

Connor wasn't paying attention to anything. He didn’t need a ride home today because he had an after-school rehearsal for some play he tried out for, with his new boyfriend. Zoe had to go get him at 5 o’clock.

The car ride home was silent, like any other car ride they had together. But this time, instead of Connor sulking out the window, or glaring, he was just thinking, not looking or seeing or anything at all besides total happiness. And Zoe wished that someday she would be able to look at something like that.

When Connor entered the house, he was still in outer space, just going through the motions and not thinking about anything, but in a good way. He bounced into walls and doorframes and said sorry to them. Then he staggered up the stairs, down the hall, and into his room.

Zoe stopped in the kitchen where Cynthia was and listened to Connor’s feet pound up the stairs and down that hall. She waited for the slam of his door, but it never came, not even a click.

Zoe had started making herself a sandwich when Cynthia said, quietly, but to Zoe, “Is he high?”

Cynthia was washing dishes at the sink and across the room, Zoe had the refrigerator open. Zoe wasn't getting anything out or even looking for anything, reacting to what Cynthia had said, and Zoe could tell Cynthia wasn't doing anything; there were no banging of pots and pans, only the drip of their leaky faucet. Cynthia had been haggling forever for a new kitchen.

Zoe wanted to say “Yeah, I caught him smoking,” but she couldn’t. It was that sibling bond they had from so long ago. She knew it was all Evan.

“No…” Zoe said. “I… I think he’s just happy…”

Zoe turned around just in time to catch the nod from Cynthia, just to the wall behind the sink, and then the banging started and so did the running water. Zoe went back to making her sandwich, her hands and legs now cold from the open door.

Walking into her own room with the sandwich she made, which was something and something, just the way she liked it, she saw that Connor’s door was open, for some reason. Looking inside, she saw Connor just lounging on the bed eating french fries (okay, seriously! Zoe thought to herself. Does he have some sort of frier in there? Where do all of those fries come from?), texting someone, obviously Evan, because Connor would never smile so sweetly texting someone else. There was music playing from a speaker, some soft-sounding stuff he must have gotten from Evan, too. Evan was everywhere.

Then Connor looked over at Zoe, stopped in the doorway, just looking into Connor’s half-messy room, and smiled. He held up a fry, with no words, as if offering Zoe one.  
She took it, shoved it in her mouth, and left without a word for her room. The fry was hot.

In Zoe’s room, she couldn’t stop thinking about Connor and Evan being together.

Why does Connor deserve someone and Zoe, somehow, doesn’t? Why does Connor get to be saved and Zoe has to lie in her agony?

She just wants to be happy. She just wants someone, but no one is there.

Zoe knows who Evan Hansen is. He’s a sad little fluffy guy. He’s nice, he’s adorable, he’s quiet and shy, he’s everything Connor isn’t. So why does Connor get a beautiful little boyfriend and Zoe doesn’t.

She smashes her head into her pillow, suddenly full of anger. Why does Connor get… this happiness and Zoe doesn’t? What does Connor have that Zoe doesn’t have? She just doesn’t understand how Evan fucking Hansen is more well-suited for Connor than Zoe.

It’s not that Zoe particularly likes Evan, but in times of struggle and need, anyone can be an option, you know? Like, at those times when she even somehow sees Bee as someone she could kiss. And that did happen once, at some party when they were both wasted and curious. They were a thing for about a day, but Bee required so much attention that… blah. Zoe can’t do that, can’t have someone hanging off of her. Zoe just has a feeling Evan would never hang.

Even a little peck on the lips would be okay. Just a quick little smooch. It’s been so fucking long since anything important has happened to Zoe. And there’s Connor, chatting it up with Evan Hansen! Evan doesn’t even know who Zoe is, probably.

Zoe needs a nap.

Waking up four hours later, she doesn’t have any homework done, and when she gets up to take a piss, Connor is still smiling and chatting into his phone.

Zoe just wants to fucking rage. Since fucking when did Connor ever deserve anything at all resembling a cute boyfriend who loves him? Since when did hardworking Zoe not deserve that? Why can’t someone just save her, pull her out of her misery?

Her throat feels sore, standing outside of Connor’s bedroom like this, his door still open, and Zoe can see everything within. His bookshelves filled with emo books, clothes scattered around the floor. She can see Connor still lounging on his bed, his dumb canopy bed pressed against the wall next to a window.

It was all just stuff, just stuff, all things and trinkets, nothing important! So why did Connor get Evan?

Connor looked up at Zoe with a concerned expression. Actually, it’s kind of hard to put into words what Connor looked like at that moment. It was a little bit of sad, a little bit on angry.

Fuck, did I say that out loud? Zoe wonders. And it seems she did say that out loud, her throat that just yelled knows it, her nails clenched inside her palms know it, Cynthia coming up the stairs knows it. And it’s not even a surprise to Zoe that once again, Larry doesn’t even fucking care what happens in this damn house.

Running to her room in half anger and half fear, she slams the door and puts Gotta Be A Reason by Alec Benjamin on repeat. Connor’s dumb little soft kiddie song was still on, blaring on the black carpet. Zoe can fight that.

Gotta Be A Reason is her favorite song. Can you guess why?


	3. Secrets Are Called Secrets For A Reason

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared is watching Evan and Connor eat when something slips out of his GD mouth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading, i know i havent posted in like a week or two, things have been crazy.

Jared knows where Connor and Evan eat lunch every day, talking and smiling and laughing like Jared and Evan should be doing. Although it isn’t all Connor’s fault that they ended up together and not Evan and Jared. Jared should have made his move while he could, he should have stopped calling him a family friend just so that Jared could try to push his feelings down and act like he didn’t have a crush on his only friend.

Jared knows where they sit and today he decides to very cooly stand in the doorway to the outside area and eat his sandwich, and sometimes glancing in their direction.  
Jared just still can’t believe that he’s the one who got them started, on that first day of school, only a month ago, when Jared yelled at Connor. Jared regrets that more than he regrets calling Evan a family friend.

He regrets calling Evan a family friend a lot.

He looks at Connor, smiling at Evan while Evan is telling Connor some kind of story that Evan never told Jared. He’s in love with Evan, Connor is. And so is Jared.

But there’s a big kind of difference between their two loves. Connor is falling in love, but falling up. Like being with Evan is just floating higher and higher up into the sky until forever. And Jared feels himself falling too, but falling down into a bottomless pit where we won’t be able to get up. The life is being sucked right out of him.

Jared just stands creepily in the doorway, watching them have fun together and thinking that Jared should be Connor, thinking how fucking absurd it is that Jared wants to be Connor, fucking, fucking, FUCK.

Jared wants to cry. He hasn’t cried in forever, and now, this tiny little thing that means nothing is making him want to fun into a bathroom and sob.

Because of Evan. Why can’t Jared just fall in love with a girl as every other guy does? Well, except for Evan and Connor. And there he goes, wanting to be Connor again.  
“Staring at the lovebirds, huh?”

Spinning around, Jared comes face to face with a girl, younger than Jared, but not super young. Junior, probably, with long-ish dirty blond hair that is tucked behind her ears. Her jeans are cuffed and on the cuffs are markings of some sort. Stars, are they? She looks a little familiar.

“I…” He stutters, not sure what to say about being caught. “Um… no…?”

 

“Uh-huh,” this girl says, sliding up next to Jared in the doorway, obviously believing him. “It seems unbelievable, right?”  
Jared’s not exactly sure what this girl is talking about, but he says, “uh, yep,” and continues to stare at the two of them, laughing over something.

“I’m Zoe Murphy. Connor’s sister.” She gives her hand out and looks at Jared expectantly.

So this is where Jared remembers her from. Sophomore year, Evan had a little big crush on Zoe. From sibling to sibling, huh? If you can’t get one, try the other! Jared wants to laugh, and cry at the same time, because here he is, going back to his old ways where he would trick Evan into doing everything, sabotage him and make him believe he had no friends except for him, who still really wasn’t his friend. He didn’t act like one.

“Why’d you smile?” Zoe asks.

And Jared doesn’t want to say it, but old habits prove to die hard when “Evan used to have a crush on you,” slips out of his mouth.

Zoe immediately blushes and pulls back her hand, which jared never bothered to take. “Oh… really?” She looks hopeful in kind of a defeated way.

“Umm…” Jared is about to say yes (why should he lie now?) when Zoe utters “nevermind, sorry to bother you, bye,” and runs off.

God, did Jared just accidentally mess something up? Again?

Fuck, for real this time.


	4. These Feelings Are Useless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoe thinks about what Jared says, and joins the play crew, meeting a new character, Lily.

Zoe doesn’t know what to do with this new information. Evan likes - liked - Zoe?

On one hand, Zoe is kind of happy. Evan is really sweet and funny, she wouldn’t hate being with him. If she thinks about it, she would actually kind of love being with him. They would have actual talks, long deep conversations, and it would be wonderful.

But on the other hand, the hand she doesn’t like, Evan is dating Connor. Zoe’s brother. That is just… wrong on so many levels. Zoe can’t steal Evan out from under Connor. Connor seems so happy now that he’s found Evan - what would he do if he wasn't there anymore? And what if Evan doesn’t like girls anymore? Zoe knows that’s absurd, but what if he never even liked girls, and was just saying he liked Connor’s sister instead of Connor. But then, who would have a crush on Connor?

Apparently, Evan. Which is very sweet and kind and amazing that anyone would put any time into Connor.

Zoe wants to fucking scream. Why can’t anything ever be easy? Why can’t guys like Evan just show up? Why does Zoe have to fight for them?

Not that Zoe is going to fight for Evan at all. Because, even though Connor and Zoe aren’t exactly the best of friends, Zoe still wouldn’t want Connor to hurt, especially because of her.

She’s sitting in a bathroom stall, swinging her keys around her finger, her other hand tucked under her chin, just thinking, her backpack at her feet. Zoe doesn’t care who else might be in the bathroom, listening to her car keys jingle.

Now she just wishes that guy out there (she never asked his name and he never gave it) hadn’t told her anything so these dumb emotions wouldn’t come up. It’s like when you hear someone likes you that you hadn’t really ever thought about before, and you just like them back because why not? They’re not terrible.

This is that feeling. Zoe has to tell herself that if that guy hadn’t said anything, she wouldn’t have known and now, at this moment, she wouldn’t have felt anything at all about Evan. She just needs to take deep breaths and forget about it. Nothing would even work out, anyway, what with Connor and Evan being so madly in love, and it seems there is competition for Evan anyway, with the guy who was staring at them.

Nothing would ever happen. These feelings are useless. These feelings will mean nothing.

Nothing would ever happen. These feelings are useless. These feelings will mean nothing.

Nothing would ever happen. These feelings are useless. These feelings will mean nothing.

That was Zoe’s new mantra, and she would repeat it until it was true, or until she believed the lie.

Then the bell rang and she needed to get to her fourth period.

Connor (and Evan) had rehearsal after school today, and really, Zoe didn’t want to tag along. But her brain and feet said, “move towards the auditorium.” So she did, and once she got there, she saw a girl onstage singing “Candy Store” from Heathers the musical, the guy from before looking around awkwardly (what was he doing here?), and, of course, Evan and Connor, holding hands and talking and laughing and being a fucking couple sitting, in a chair.

And after two and a half hours, Zoe was helping backstage, spent two hours watching Evan and Connor send lovey-dovey looks to each other, and figured out that the guy from before’s name was Jared.

The other people backstage were nice enough. Evan is a stage manager, so they exchanged smiles but not real words. They’re apparently not at that level yet, even though Zoe drives them everywhere.

There’s a guy named Chad who everyone but Zoe, Evan, and this one girl swoon over, even the freshie guy there. This is theater, Zoe guesses. Chad says he wants to put something new on his resume, but Zoe notices a very cute senior girl, woman, really, giving Chad some looks…

And then the four freshies. The two of the girls are friends, but the guy and the other girl don’t seem to know any of them very well. The guy’s name is Seth and he sneaks glances at Chad, who, Zoe must say, is very muscular and handsome. She can’t blame him.

Besides from the giggling about Chad, the two best friends were nice enough and seemed to know what they were doing, unlike Zoe. The other girl, Lily, a brown-haired, slim, shy girl, who says she’s done theater in middle school, helps Zoe out.

“So you’re a freshman?” Zoe asks while working on some of the set pieces.

Lily blushes and shakes her head. “No, I’m actually a sophomore.” She nods to the other two girls. “They’re freshmen.” Lily looks up at Zoe. “I guess I’m small for my age.” Then she smiles. “And you’re a freshman, too right?”

Zoe laughs. “Ha, ha. I’m a junior.” She goes back to pounding on the wood.

Lily goes back to work, too. “Yeah, I’ve seen you around.”

Zoe is surprised at that. “Now I feel bad for not seeing you…”

A pause. “I tend to blend into the background.”

Before Zoe can stop herself, she says “me too” and gets Lily’s number.


End file.
